The Ideal President

Professor Bainbridge asks if it is time to consider a new archetype for our presidential contenders. Having lost his enthusiasm for the Southern Man, he proposes that we should consider, perhaps, a Yankee city-boy. His list of preferred attributes:

  • Knows which wine to match with the foie gras-stuffed quail being served at a state dinner
  • Won’t wink at the Queen
  • Doesn’t hunt, fish, or go with girls who do
  • Smokes cigars
  • Is sometimes accused of having a metrosexual streak
  • Only drinks beer with foods that would score at least 10,000 on the Scoville scale
  • Can credibly debate the relative claims of The Matrix, Star
    Wars, Bladerunner, and Star Trek II to be the greatest science fiction
    movie of all time
  • Can credibly debate the relative claims of The Who and Bruce
    Springsteen & The E Street Band to be the world’s greatest rock and
    roll band
  • Came from a state that didn’t secede
  • Can recite at least one Monty Python skit from memory
  • Can credibly debate the relative claims of Blazing Saddles,
    The Producers, and Young Frankenstein to be Mel Brook’s best movie,
    while explaining why Spaceballs is a candidate for the worst movie ever
  • Has never sat through an entire Woody Allen movie, an entire Nascar race, or an entire Dixie Chicks concert
  • Wouldn’t camp out 5 days to get Garth Brooks tickets even if s/he was camping at the time
  • Went to Germany on vacation because s/he couldn’t find a highway with high enough speed limits in the US
  • Prefers football to basketball to baseball to soccer
  • Doesn’t play golf
  • Doesn’t bowl
  • Has no kids to foist subsequent generations of politicians on us
  • Has a spouse with no political ambitions
  • Lives with at least one golden retriever

As a Southerner (By the Grace of God), I admit to an inborn preference for my guys, but it’s hard to argue that a change in accent and tastes might be just the thing to knock the ship of state back onto a more desirable course.

The deal is, however, that the Professor’s list seems to point to a person who has lived in the world of the rest of us. Modern politicians seem to come from another place, where they have to pretend that they are just like you and me. You know, fake accents, houses, haircuts at the neighborhood barbershop, and the rest of the fooling that modern candidates think they have to do. It is almost as if the collective consciousness understands that Real People Don’t Run For Office anymore.

I will add one item to the Professor’s list: Believes in term limits and knows who Cincinnatus was.

H/T Pajamas Media.

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